Friday, May 17, 2013

Life has its ups and downs. This is a down.

I'm going to start with the fact that there is a possibility that I might have to go back to live with my "father". It's a small possibility but it is one. It freaks me out, I feel like I live in constant fear of him. I wonder every day of my life if ill see him on the street an he will kidnap me and do what he did to my sister. Every time I think about what he did to her I want to cry. He is a monster loose on the street, he could be hurting the little boy next door. And I won't be able to help him because I didn't come right out and say that he was a monster. Because of the fact that I hesitated my little sister has to spend every Thursday talking to that man. And my little brother has to endure him, live with him, and be hurt by him. I can't help but feel like this is all my fault. I cause the pain that my family goes through. 

Monday, May 13, 2013

Ending this thing some people call a life.

My life, I think, is honestly shit. 
I don't tell anyone about the multiple suicide thoughts, and the one attempt that I wish I would have pulled through with. While I sit here and seem like a well put together person. I'm breaking and crashing on the inside. I go through depression stages, were I don't want to talk to anyone about anything, or a put on a front like I'm overly happy. I know my life may not be the worst but the daily put downs about me that come everyday from enemies or even my so called "friends". My life is just a waste of local breath, something that could end in an instant and I know for a fact that most people in my life would not even shed a single small tear. They would hear about and move on, but am I that big of a fuck up as a human that I don't impact anyone? Or the real question, would anyone care if I took my own life? 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Events

Since my first experience with him, I feel more attached, more in love, more happy. It was nerve racking and scary. And while I obviously wasn't that good, I'm glad I did it. I've been holding it off for a while until I worked up the courage to do what I needed to do. And while people may think I did it for him, that's not the case. I did this for myself I wanted the experience and I wanted to be able to say I did it. I never intended for anyone and or everyone to find out. While not everyone knows, they will soon, and I'm not sure if that's the kind of school publicity I need. All the while I'm glad I did it, and there is no turning back, it was not a mistake but a further step in the relationship. 

Monday, May 6, 2013

Twist.

Today was a total turn on what he happened the past few days, I was happy. Aside from the two bullying bitches running my P.E. class, all was good.
Until I find out the boy I've been crushing on doesn't know if he still still likes me. But, I can't blame him on account of the fact I have a boyfriend. And I've shot this kid down numerous times. But, I can't help but want him to still like me, and I still like him..

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Pre view

I guess I should start from the beginning, My life story. But that's not what's going to happen. It's a Sunday today, and I didn't have the best weekend. Boyfriend drama at its worst. The whole I don't know if we should stay together thing, and wondering if we should break up problem, it's been going on all weekend and he has these mood swings, like he loves me one minute and hate me the next. Sometimes he makes me hate myself. I feel unwanted and unloved.