Tuesday, January 6, 2015

jerod

jerod is my biological father. I lived with him for the first 10 years of my life and only to find out that he was raping my little sister through all that time. recently he has been trying to contact me and it has been putting my self in so many bad positions. I can't sleep andwer the time when I do I dream about all the aweful things he did, and how he is doing them to me. sometimes it kills me a little inside because of all the pain and anguish caused by him. hopefully in the end I will be ok. but for now it's going to be a bumpy road

Monday, January 5, 2015

thoughts

we don't stop enough and think, we just do. we dont think about the consequences that this action might cost us or the feelings we might hurt, we just do. most the time I find myself just doing what ever I want in hopes that it benefits me, but really I should be thinking things out and trying to benefit others. we need to start thinking.. not for just ourselves but for others.

Friday, January 2, 2015

let down again

something that was supposed to come of the new year was a new and better relationship. that ship I can tell you has already sailed. once again at the point of wanting to cut eachothers throats and while I'm worried about it, he's probably having the time of his life. is our relationship really only sex? or does he mean it when he says I love you? I'm not exactly sure at the moment. but hopefully I'll know soon.

new day

waking up this morning I felt lik a new me. I hop in the shower and wipe everything off that I have been carrying around, all this baggage I can't seem to let go of.. well now I'm letting it go. All the bad thoughts that have been rotting in my brain I am letting go of. I want to have a clean slate this year and be the me I can be. anyone who was holding me back from that is gone and I am starting fresh. not even mean words can bring me down today.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

blogging again

Its been a year or two since my last blog but we will see how this goes. I'm still the same sad lonley teenager as before but I don't know I guess things have changed. still with the same guy as before and I guess things are different but not so much that I am extremely happy with my life. I've just recently stopped being friends with my best friend on account that I was best friends with her ex. but that's a whole other ball game. my "boyfriend" and I are from what he sees happy I guess. but there is so much of me that isn't and how do I tell him that I'm not. how do you tell someone that they make you feel so alone and that they don't care. you can't with out the constant fear of loosing them. you cant with out hurting them. so you stay quite and hope for things to turn around and the whole time hoping he notices that you want and need more in a relationship. not just the occasional hello. 

Friday, May 17, 2013

Life has its ups and downs. This is a down.

I'm going to start with the fact that there is a possibility that I might have to go back to live with my "father". It's a small possibility but it is one. It freaks me out, I feel like I live in constant fear of him. I wonder every day of my life if ill see him on the street an he will kidnap me and do what he did to my sister. Every time I think about what he did to her I want to cry. He is a monster loose on the street, he could be hurting the little boy next door. And I won't be able to help him because I didn't come right out and say that he was a monster. Because of the fact that I hesitated my little sister has to spend every Thursday talking to that man. And my little brother has to endure him, live with him, and be hurt by him. I can't help but feel like this is all my fault. I cause the pain that my family goes through. 

Monday, May 13, 2013

Ending this thing some people call a life.

My life, I think, is honestly shit. 
I don't tell anyone about the multiple suicide thoughts, and the one attempt that I wish I would have pulled through with. While I sit here and seem like a well put together person. I'm breaking and crashing on the inside. I go through depression stages, were I don't want to talk to anyone about anything, or a put on a front like I'm overly happy. I know my life may not be the worst but the daily put downs about me that come everyday from enemies or even my so called "friends". My life is just a waste of local breath, something that could end in an instant and I know for a fact that most people in my life would not even shed a single small tear. They would hear about and move on, but am I that big of a fuck up as a human that I don't impact anyone? Or the real question, would anyone care if I took my own life?